Gee, I wish I had a clever title...

[momma smurf]

Where to begin... still trying to come up with a title... ummm... well... ok... I'll come back to it...

I guess I'll start with stuff about my hair, since this is supposed to be a HAIR JOURNAL... being a child of the 80's, my hair has been through ALOT! Big, blonde, mohawk, perm, cornrows... by the early 90's it was pretty fried, so I started dying it red. LOVED IT RED.

I accidentaly stumbled across one of the secrets to great hair... at least for me... not washing as often. In 1993 I spent a summer in Alaska working in a salmon egg processing plant about 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, so we didn't have much time to shower. My hair was in a french braid for days... er, weeks... on end, and I noticed when I got back home that it was HEALTHY! It got down to about waist length with these great waves... AND I MISS THEM. I don't know where they went! I'm not even sure when I lost them exactly, it's been a blurry several years... but my mission is to get them back, and I'm happy to report that CO is helping! YAY!

I cut my hair a few years ago, but not all at once... it happened gradually, a little at a time I think... the last cut was about a year ago to just dusting my shoulders, you know, that trendy cut with the little flippy layers... and I really liked it, it was "cute"... and I haven't spent much time in my life being "cute"...I was always "hot" . Anyway... just kidding... sort of...

So... my hair was too short for my hair stuff...
Brief history: (right... I'm rarely brief...) I have been making jewelry for about 15 years, and 5 years ago or so a friend of mine and I set out to make some "on our own". I could never find anything to hold my thin fine hair, so I made stuff up. We sold quite a bit of it for a while, and then... well... the partnership wasn't working. After I cut my hair, I put all of the hair stuff away, and honestly... forgot about it. Last spring we put our house up for sale, and while packing up a bunch of stuff in my work shop I ran across a box of hair toys I had made way back when and thought "eh, I may as well stick these in my e-bay store". All of a sudden I'm getting requests for more... huh? Where did all these people come from?? I know there are a ZILLION hair toys on e-bay... how in the world did they find mine? Turns out emilyforce bought one, and posted about it here. Eventually someone (I think it was notjomama, but maybe it was Ama) e-mailed me with a link to the thread. My first reaction was something like "There's a whole forum on HAIR?" I didn't even know what a forum was, let alone that there would be one on long hair... I kept coming back, admittedly at first to see who was talking about me , then I started reading... and reading... and reading! DD9 has very hard hair to manage, so I started looking for tips with her hair, then it hit me... WAIT!
I HAVE HAIR, TOO!!! Amazing what you can forget when you have kids and jobs... and cats... and dogs... and a mortgage... and, and, and... like the fact that you have hair...

So from April until July, I was a lurker... In July, I finally joined, and I'M SO HAPPY I DID! I have to admit, while I'm admitting stuff, that I do spend most of my time in the friendship and parental pow-wow boards, and that most of my hair inquiries have been on behalf of DD9, but I am reading and picking up tips on my hair as well.

Right now I CO with Suave berry-something-or-other about every 3 days, and my hair is much improved! I first read about CO in the "Curly Girls" book and have been using CO on DD9 for over a year... I just never thought about it for my hair (not curly) until I came here! Still having a little trouble with poofiness at times... and stickiness at other times... I think I need to clarify, but I haven't tried it yet. Soon.

Just a warning for anyone who may be reading this... I'm addicted to dot dot dot... in case you haven't noticed.... If this bothers you... stop reading now... it's not a habit I can see breaking any time soon. I also love the smilies... IRL I am often misunderstood... as I am often sarcastic, somewhat cynical, and occasionally self-depricating (except when I talk about how I used to be hot ) see, that was the opposite of self deprication... and was supposed to be funny... I hope the smilies get that across... I wish I had some in real life that would pop up above my head to give people a clue...

Ok, enough for now... crap... still don't have a clever title...

ETA: oh, yea... here's my hair... B-O-R-I-N-G

[momma smurf]

Well... just finished a shower with CO and my first ACV rinse. Left the conditioner in for longer this time, I usually leave it for about 5 minutes is all, but today I think it was more like 10. I know that's not NEARLY as long as some people leave it, but so far it seems to work for me... and I don't have time or the organization to fully implement a great hair routine... yet. My hair's still wet, so I'm not sure how the ACV rinse will work... so far my hair is VERY SQUEAKY. It feels clean... but not soft... hmmm.... I tried an ACV on DD9 last night, but I think it was a little strong, her hair was verrrrry shiny afterward, and it did help get the tangles out, so I think we'll try it again in maybe a week or two diluted a little more. I'd like to try a citric acid rinse sometime as well, but can't sem to find the stuff... when I remember to look for it!

I couldn't help but think while I was working on my hair how it will be great when it's long and beautiful and healthy again... but... then it'll just make my skin look more obviously awful. See, don't jump to the conclusion that I'm this big pessimist... I'm not, really... but a realist for sure! We've been trying to sell our house for 6 months now, and every time we decide to "fix" something to make it look better and hopefully sell faster, it just makes something else stand out as needing "fixing" ... so, all I'm saying is, with my luck (ok, that was pessimistic ), that's what will happen when I get back my gorgeous hair. So... I'm thinking I may have to spend some time reading on the skin and nail board as well. Oh, see there? A true pessimist would NEVER find a solution that quickly! My skin isn't that awful actually, no major acne issues... just dry and uneven and a little blotchy at times and starting to get... oh I can't say it... wrinkles! I know... there is something dignified about some of them, and I really don't mind the thought of them in general... but not yet! I guess my skin is pretty much like that all over... the dry, blotchy part, not so much the wrinkles... I wonder if there's a naked walk-through sandblaster around here anywhere... just start all over with a whole new layer of skin!

I'm glad to see so many people have checked out the breast self exam thread... it's a personal issue with me (one of many...) and it's just such an easy way for us girls to take charge of our health, and make sure we're around awhile longer! I've read through CurlyBrunette's blog, and I have a friend who's our age as well who went through a very similar battle as CB's, and also won, by the way. There are many inspirational survival stories... and alot of them are survival stories because of a breast self exam. So, if you're reading this and you haven't been to the breast thread... check out this site that Antares shared, it is about the coolest breast site ever!

I'll be back when my hair dries...

[momma smurf]

Well, my hair is dry, and it's shiny, but it's really kinda... poofy. So, I'm not sure that the ACV was what my hair needed. Seems like I may need something with a little weight to it to tame my feather-light fly-away fine thin hair, something that will keep my waves intact... CO was working... I think I'll go back to that, and see what happens. Right now I'm COing 3 times a week... maybe I'll try oiling...

Still on the fence about what to do about the color... I really think I was supposed to be a redhead!! But, my hair disagrees, and keeps telling me that it is brown, I say "red", it says "um, no", I say "PLEASE?!?!", it says "well... maybe in your next life" . Maybe it's time to just learn to love my brown hair... I don't know! I like the stuff I've read about henna, but I realllllly don't want the hassle of maintaining my roots... I've got alot going on, and I just can't see taking the time at this point, maybe later... so I'm leaning toward dying back as close to natural as I can so I can just leave it alone for awhile.

Cool thread about favorite shoes! My name is momma smurf, and I'm a boot-a-holic. If I was rich, that would be where my wardrobe money would go. Since I'm not rich, in money terms, I love my Doc Martens!!! Here they are! Go ahead and click 'em!


Very excited about football season! GO STEELERS!!!

Also... kinda sad to see Andre Agassi retire... I'm glad he had a good comeback before he left the game, though. I had a huge crush on him in high school ... he was quite the rebel, so I named my dog after him! My dog Agassi was with me for 14 years... he was the best dog... we lost him just this June 14th (it's been that kind of year...), and I miss him terribly . Kind of fitting, I think, that both Ags are "gone" this year... here's a picture of my Agassi...
Awwww... I love that picture...

I KNEW IT! I knew I couldn't just write about hair! Oh well...

[momma smurf]

Just wanted to say that I like the results of the ACV better today than I did last night. My hair seemed to calm down a little, maybe just from being squished while I slept , but it's not as poofy as it was last night, it feels pretty silky actually... and it's very shiny!

Still feels a little lighter than I like it... not sure what to so about that... frustrating... maybe it's that ALL OF ME is feeling a little lighter than I like it! Can't keep any weight on, not even in my hair! Hey... I know what some of you are thinking, and I don't want to hear it! It's just as hard for people to gain weight as it is for others to lose it... in general, of course. My metabolism is just wacked in the other direction, I've had to "defend" my skinniness for years now to my friends who have the opposite problem, and, thankfully, most of them finally actually truly honestly recognize that it is a real issue for me, and others like me. There were a couple of others who brought it up in the thread about clothing sizes... I also have a really hard time finding jeans that are long enough... ugh. Thankful those knee high boots are coming back! I can just tuck some too-short jeans in them, and no-one will ever know...! With the money I'll save this fall NOT buying special length jeans... maybe I can buy some new tall boots!

Oh yea... wearing my hair in a low ponytail today, which is actually pretty exciting because it means my front layers have grown out enough to be pulled all the way back at the bottom. YAY!!

[momma smurf]

Ok, here are some quick stats...

ponytail circumference is about 3 inches... not as bad as I thought

length today is about 22 inches... cool! that's an inch longer than when I started in July! I think that only leaves me with about 9 inches to waist length... maybe a year or so... wait... really? that's it? seriously? are you kidding me? Maybe my math is wrong... but I like it! I'll try to get a more accurate assessment when I have someone to help me measure...

Note to self: ooohhh... yea... that's the purpose of this hair journal thing... duh. Anyway...

NOTES TO SELF:

buy some little ouchless elastics so you can braid your hair!

buy stock in Suave conditioner as you now use it for everything!

get back to work so you'll have money for elastics and Suave!

[momma smurf]

Well... the Steelers won last night, and that was good. We had yummy spanish rice nachos on guacamole chips and green chile sour cream dip... mmmmmmmmmm... I love game-time food...

Regular Co this morning, my hair feels great! But... it's still kinda fly-away... so light, I don't know what to do about it... maybe that's just how it IS. Of course, I'll have to fight it for awhile... I rarely slip into acceptance gracefully. I've found that to be both a weakness, and a strength... depending on the situation, of course.

Went to Wal-Mart yesterday to buy football food...
WARNING: TANGENT AHEAD! Why exactly is Wal-Mart evil? I mean, really. Last time I checked, this was a free market, capitalist society... individuals have the opportunity to succeed, and work hard and strive for it... Sam Walton started with one store, just like the local guy everyone sticks up for, McDonald's (which is apparently also evil... because they force people to eat there, apparently... ok) started with one restaurant, just like the local guy... they were the underdogs back then... why is it that we stop cheering for the underdogs when they finally succeed? Seriously! Whatever...TANGENT COMPLETED, BACK TO ORIGINAL TRAIN OF THOUGHT

Anyway, I was going to Wal Mart, unashamed , to get food for the Steelers game and... umm... well... great... I forgot what I was going to say... that's what a tangent on four hours of sleep and pain medication will do for ya... maybe I'll be able to drag whatever evidently-not-as-important-as-when-I-started-typing thought out of my mushy brain later... but I won't hold my breath...

[momma smurf]

YAY! I remembered! I went to Wal-Mart (no need for second tangent... whew!) to get stuff for the Steelers game (did I mention that they won? ) and I had to get some toothpaste and stuff... which is next to the hair stuff... where, of course, I FORGOT to get elastics for my braids... but did manage to buy some... well... ok, I'll just say it... DYE (ugh... was NOT on my list!!). I haven't used it yet, I'm still on the fence about it, but I have it now, it's staring at me... it's called something like chocolate peanut butter... whatever.. it's brown! I like the fancy name, though, but really... it's brown. Not quite as dull of a brown as my natural brown, but close in the shade, so I'm figuring it will make it easier to grow out natural... I can't stand my roots... Ok... had to get that information out before it slipped into the abyss that is my brain once more... whew!

[momma smurf]

Awhile back I started a thread about how people met their true loves... it was so cool to read all of the stories! (I may just have to bump it to hear more...) So, I was telling a couple of my friends... yes they are a couple... about the thread and how there were several people who had met their loves online. Sooo... they look at each other with this... look... the look like I know they've had a conversation about me being single... again... still... and they say "Well, have you thought about online dating? We thought maybe you should give it a try." Great. Brilliant.

Here's my personal ad:
Poor white trash with no college, 2 divorces, 2 kids, 3 belly button piercings, and 6 tattoos seeks...

ALERT! That was self-depricating humor ... it's my favorite! Of course I don't really think I'm white trash... I am just realistic enough to recognize that there are people who do think it... and I enjoy mocking them. END ALERT.

LOL! I am NOT the type of person that "reads well" on paper, like in a personal ad! I am one big red flag... I think I'll just have to meet him... hopefully he'll rear-end my car (I could use a new one anyway...) at a stoplight soon, 'cause I don't know how else he'll be able to find me!

Ok... something about hair... ummm.... I still haven't dyed it. There. I feel better.

[momma smurf]

Sooo... I was eating at Mc Donald's... um, because they forced me to at gunpoint ... BY MYSELF. There is a thread about people who do things by themselves, and I was thinking about it... I don't usually do much by myself... single mom and all... so, having read that thread, I decided to eat alone. I recently started working completely from home, so that's giving me alot more flexibility with my time. I like to shop alone, it's easier than dragging my girls around... but before reading that thread I would've just skipped lunch and run a bunch of errands. My point? Not bad eating out alone! Oh yea... except for the whole gun to my head thing.

Still haven't dyed my hair.

[momma smurf]

Today has been a fantastic day! Not much special... (although I do have an exciting hair toy order!) but I like these kinds of days, where I can wander around my house, clean or not clean, shower or not shower, work or not work, hang out with my girls... I LOVE these days that are nothing special! This year has been ROUGH... too full of "special" days.... Let me try to break it down... it'll be nice to have it all written in one place so I can look back and see how much we have conquered!

January and half of February DD2 was sick... over and over and over, with 105 degree fevers, and multiple visits to the ER. Very scary, they never figured out exactly why, just said she kept catching virus after virus. She's been ok since then, just the usual colds and flus, nothing like back then.

Febuary was mostly spent moving into storage units so we could clear out our house to put it up for sale... resist tangent... resist tangent... done My grandmother, my dad's mother, who I haven't seen in 17 years called to tell me she was dying of cancer...

March 17 the son of my best friend (she died in 1997) was killed in a car wreck. It was devestating, he was like a little brother to me...

April we lost another friend...

May was full... we had an out-of-town wedding, it was great! DD9 was the maid of honor! But, it was also a week off of work, travel expenses, and all the fun that goes with travelling with a toddler, DD2. Just before we left, my dog, Agassi, got really sick... middle of May my mom moved to Alaska... ugh. Seriously resisting a tangent here... tangent successfully resisted My friend and her son came to visit from out of town the day before my mom left, so that was hectic... but still good. My dad also left town in May, pissed at me as usual for I-still-don't-know-what, and dying of cancer... MAJOR TANGENT RESISTATION... ooooo, this one's tough... ok

June 14 we lost my dog Agassi., and we had another wedding... this was for the daughter of my best friend who died in 1997, and it was so hard for us with losing her son in March. The bride stayed strong, so hard for her to get married with them both gone... but the wedding was beautiful. All of us bridesmaids lost it when her Dad went up to give her away... the preacher asked "Who gives this woman to be married?" and he replied "Her mother, her brother, and I." and he stood there alone...

July 4 we lost our cat, Jemima... she was only 2, and we're not sure why she died, she just died. By now, DD9 is pretty shaken up about losing the people (pets included) that we love... but she is so strong... brings me to tears to think how strong she is, and what she's gone through already that has proven her strength...

August... I am fed up with my life changing without my permission! So... I quit my job of 15 years, and I'm giving it a go on my own.

September's barely started... the house is not sold... ugh, time to find a new realtor... and littlest brother, who's been staying with us and helping me with the house called last night from his National Guard field training to tell me he'll be shipping out... to Iraq... in March. And there's this doctor thing... but I'll write about it when I know more.

I think it's just that I feel like I haven't had enough time after one life-altering event to recover before the next one hits... I keep saying "That's enough!" and the universe says "Aw, that's nothing!" So I do remind myself that there are plenty of people who have it worse... that doesn't make me feel better, but it does make me more grateful for the good stuff... like my beautiful girls, who DO make me feel better.

Oh yeah... HAIR journal... still haven't dyed it.

[momma smurf]

Ok, gotta make this quick because it's 3 a.m. and my girls will be up at 7... and this is TOTALLY ABOUT HAIR! Because this is a HAIR JOURNAL!

Umm.... still haven't dyed it...

BUT... every couple of weeks I have to see if I've made it to my mini-goal... a figure 8 bun. Well, still don't have it, but I now have an intermediary bun! It kind of looks like a question mark! I like it... I'm gonna wear it on those days when I find myself asking stuff like... "What the...?" "Why in the...?" "Are you freakin' kidding me?" "Excuse me?"

Gee... I'm probably going to be wearing this bun alot...

[momma smurf]

This is how I wear my hair ALOT. I never realized how messy it looks! It doesn't FEEL messy!

It's just soooooo easy and quick. I'm not sure if there's a name for it, I call it a "Cheater French Twist". I gather all of my hair, fold in in half over a hairstick, twits the hairstick in the fold of hair (I think kinda like people use their finger in a log roll...) like a propeller, until it's tightly twisted, and the stick is pointing up, then lift the twist to rest against my head, and push the stick straight down along the scalp. Takes like 2 seconds, and holds like glue for most of the day!




This was an attempt at an infinity bun (a girl can dream...), not sure how it ended up like this, but I like it!

Oh yea! The title of this post is because I've been here 60 days... and I'm sooooo excited! The hairstyle of the week thread is fantastic! It's cool to be able to see more photos, and read more journals. I'm wondering what make people make their journals private, and others keep them public... hmmm....

[momma smurf]

Ok... On August 31st, I started this thread about breast self exams, because I found a lump on August 23rd. I had two masses removed in 1999, and 2000 and since then I've been vigilant in my BSEs, after the biopsy surgeries I was relieved, to say the least, that both were benign. (whew!) When I found this lump, I was a little freaked out... it didn't feel like the others, it wasn't there the month before, it was textbook "what to look for in a BSE" I called the next day, and made an appointment to see my girlie doctor, and she had a cancellation so she was able to see me on August 29th. She did her exam, and said it felt like a fibroadenoma, but she'd like to get it checked out further, so she spent a half an hour on the phone herself making the appointments for me. I had an ultrasound and a mammogram on September 1st, the technician asked me if I had trauma to the breast area, because the mass on the ultrasound looked alot like a hematoma. Nope... no trauma. So when the doctor checked it out on the ultrasound, he also talked to me about my mammogram, and said there really wasn't much there to go on (hey... what'd he mean by that? ), so they performed a core biopsy (well... 4 core biopsies) on September 8th. Asked me again if I had trauma to the breast... I think I'd remember trauma that caused a palpable hematoma! Oh, wait, do you mean trauma like a core biopsy where you FORGET TO NUMB HALF OF MY BREAST BEFORE YOU SHOOT IT WITH A 10 GUAGE NEEDLE? (ouch...) My general surgery consult was today... er... yesterday since it's 3 in the morning now... I saw the same doctor who had done my previous surgeries. By the time I got to my appointment today, I wasn't nearly as freaked as I had been before the ultrasound... the mass didn't show up as solid, that was good. The techs and doctors kept asking about hematomas... so by today I was calm. When they sat me down in what has to be the coldest room EVER, (yea... fun to be in a freezing room, braless in a gown, waiting for a BREAST EXAM) I waited and waited, as usual... and THE HOTTEST DOCTOR EVER (ok, maybe not the hottest ever... but pretty hot!) came through the door. He asked all of the required questions... blah, blah, blah... CUTE! So, when he left to get my surgeon and my pathology reports, I was completely distracted.. cute... My doctor came back with Dr. Hottie and did the breast exam, checked lymph nodes, lungs, heart... blah, blah, blah... I kept getting bombared with "He's sooo cute!" from the part of my brain that actually remembers dating ... then my surgeon had to go and ruin it by saying "Well, basically, your pathology came back as positive for cancer." So, shocked is an understatement... Funny... (or not)... that back part of my brain that was distracted by the cute doctor tried to chime in "No... I can't have cancer... HE'S CUTE." as though that made any sense at all... but, in defense of my brain, hearing something like that is a hard thing to make sense out of... my first real thought was, of course... my girls.

Invasive lobular carcinoma. Tomorrow I have a bunch of blood labs and a chest x-ray, Monday a bone scan, sometime between now and the 21st they'll schedule me for genetics testing and a bilateral breast MRI. My first apointment with the oncologist is September 21st. I can't write anymore tonight.
Oh, yea... hair journal... if I'm not going to have it much longer, I think I'll dye it green.

[momma smurf]

Well, I called almost everyone yesterday. Alot of them had been waiting for the path results, and I didn't want them to be left wondering, so I forced myself to call and let them know what they found. After the first few calls, it was easier... almost felt like I was talking about somebody else's cancer for awhile... There was just this sort of... acceptance at some point during the evening. It was so hard to maintain my composure with my girls, and I lost it for a minute after they went to bed. It's just scary. I've done about all of the reading I can handle on invasive lobular carcinoma... there's nothing I can do about it until my oncologist has a clearer picture of the stage, and a plan of attack. Sooo.... I'm just trying to go on about life as usual until I know more. Today I was ok until I talked to my oldest younger brother... but the rest of the day I was ok. There's just nothing I can do... and that's hard. I had blood tests and a chest x-ray today. I keep reminding myself that there are alot of potential outcomes of these tests and scans... it could be good news! Still, as often as I tell myself that, in the back of my mind I know what they're looking for, so at least part of me has to be prepared... prepared for any outcome. Hoping for the best, obviously, but I think I owe it to my girls to be prepared for worse. All I can do right now is hope and hope and hope... hope that whatever grand plan there is can include me being here for my girls... for a long time.

Hair stuff... well, there is a small chance I won't need chemo, so I'm just going to keep treating my hair as though it's gonna be here for awhile! CO and ACV rinse later on... probably going to hold off on the dye...

[momma smurf]

Thanks for the well wishes!