Things you've learned in marriage/parnterships

[fairygirl69]

For those of you who are married/ in long term relationships or partnerships I thought we could share some of the truths we've discovered to help maintain what we have with our spouse/so. My dh and I've been married for five years, and together for almost eight and these are a few of the things we've learned.

1.) Don't expect your marriage/ partnership to be like anyone else's. Each relationship has it's own identity.
2.) Don't let your family tell you who to love, only you can make that decision. Do however, listen to advice/input without prejudice. What they have to say may be crap, or they may have some grains of wisdom. If you don't listen you'll never know.
3.) Don't tell family members about the shortcomings of your loved one. They may hold it against them later, long after you've forgiven your spouse/so.
4.) Sometimes (not all the time) you have to put your relationship first before EVERYTHING else. This includes but is not limited to: family, friends, work, hobbies, children (sometimes), and volunteering. Be forewarned that some people you know and love will think this is a great idea until it affects them. They will eventually learn to live with this if they want to remain in your life..
5.) Learn how to screen your calls. Just turn of the ringer and let the machine/ voice mail catch it. Use caller your id. You can always check your messages through the day to make sure there are no emergencies. Ninety percent of the people who call you don't need you right this second. Many times we make yourselves unnecessarily available. Also, how many times have you been roped into something you don't want to do because you didn't screen your calls?
6.) If your mate is having a bad day and doesn't want to talk, it's ok to leave them alone with a rain check to talk things out later.
7.) The best analogy of marriage/ long term long I've heard was in a movie called The Four Seasons, it was written by Alan Alda. Marriage comes and goes in waves. Sometimes you'll go through phases that are rough. Your spouse/so will irritate the heck out of you. Then you'll go through a phase almost like you're falling in love all over again. This can happen many times through out a marriage or long term relationship ( My Mom who's been married thirty years told me this is true).
8.) TMI alert if your are easily embarrassed just skip on down to the next piece of advice.
If you're bored in the bedroom, don't be afraid to spice things up a little. Try something different toys, games, whatever. There's new films for women from a company called Candida Royalle.'s Femme Productions. They're quite explicit so you might not want them near your kids, or company that comes over. You can find them in adult bookstores and video rental places in the U.S.
9.) If a friend/ family member asks a favor don't say yes or no immediately, talk it over in private with your spouse/so to consider the best option. Otherwise the two of you may get roped into things you don't want to do and resent it. This also creates a united front with people you know and love who want to "divide and conquer" to get their own way. If you say "no" to something the other spouse/so needs to back you up and vice versa otherwise the person who said "no" becomes the bad guy.
10.) Marriage is less about who's on charge and more about mutual accountability. No one gets there own way all of the time.

[LisaJaney]

Something that *I* think is important is this:

It's always time to say something nice to your mate. With any long-term relationship, there will be times when he makes your heart go pitter-pat, and times when you just don't give a rip. That happens, and it's okay, as long as you don't let things SIT for a long time at the "don't give a rip" stage. I try every day to say something nice to Dave. It doesn't have to be "you're sexier than Tom Selleck" (he's a hottie to us oldsters, just trust me on that one) but can be something as simple and true as "That shirt looks good on you" or "I have always liked your smile and the way your eyes light up when you smile at me." That's true, and it's nice. And it BUILDS HIM.
Chances are, when I'm building HIM, he'll begin to reciprocate and build ME. And, even if he doesn't, it changes my perception of him. Feelings follow actions. WHen I behave in a loving way towards someone, I grow more fond of them. It's just a fact. So, it would behoove me to be good to my husband, to FEED him, and to ACT in a way that causes me to fall more deeply in love with him with every passing day. This way, we BOTH win.

It's time to say something nice. It's ALWAYS time to say something nice.

[Dianyla]

My list is a little bit different.

1. It's ok to sleep in separate beds. Not everyone likes to go to sleep and wake up at the same time, and noone wants to listen to snoring.
2. If financially possible, two houses (His and Hers) are much better than one.
3. Hiring a housekeeper is cheaper than a divorce, and cheaper than two houses.
4. Each person should have at least one or two independent friends.
5. Each person should have at least one or two independent hobbies.
6. It's ok to vote for different political parties.
7. Prenups are your friend.
8. Real gifts don't have strings attached.
9. True love means you're not required to change your name.

I could keep going, but you get my drift.

[shella13]

Hmm, well I've accused him of making good times bad and he's accused me of making bad times worse.... I've learned that it's important to laugh together and stay best friends. So far it's working, today is our 9th wedding anniversary and we're still crazy about each other! We've been inseparable ever since the day we met 11 1/2 years ago, it was love at first sight.

[sandrak]

I have been with my husband for 20 yrs. and married for 17 of those so I have learned a little about being married. I have learned that you have to admit when you are wrong and say you are sorry. After having 3 kids you have to find some alone time with your spouse to stay connected. You have to touch each other daily. Hug, kiss whatever. Tell each other you love him or her everyday. And LISTEN when your spouse is talking to you.

[oogie]

never let the sun set on your anger. At the same time, always remember that words once on the lips could mean forever on the heart.

treat your spouse as you want to be treated. So if you want to be treated as a queen/king - remember not to be a royal pain

when it says "foresaking all others", remember that you promised to always cling to your spouse. This to me means to keep the inlaws and even your family out of your marriage.

When in doubt, talk it out. Don't let it fester into something bigger...

Go ahead and marry your best friend cause if you don't they might could blackmail you with who you do marry <grin>

Try to learn something new about your spouse as often as possible.

Last, take time daily with each other just if for no other reason than to say "I love you." Say this often too.

[Delenn]

Originally Posted by Dianyla

My list is a little bit different.

Agreed! Your list sums up what I've learned perfectly.

[Allen]

Originally Posted by Dianyla

My list is a little bit different.

1. It's ok to sleep in separate beds. Not everyone likes to go to sleep and wake up at the same time, and noone wants to listen to snoring.
2. If financially possible, two houses (His and Hers) are much better than one.
3. Hiring a housekeeper is cheaper than a divorce, and cheaper than two houses.
4. Each person should have at least one or two independent friends.
5. Each person should have at least one or two independent hobbies.
6. It's ok to vote for different political parties.
7. Prenups are your friend.
8. Real gifts don't have strings attached.
9. True love means you're not required to change your name.

I could keep going, but you get my drift.

These are all great suggestions! There is a word that best describes the whole list...its called being "single"!

[fairygirl69]

Wow! It's interesting to see everyone's bits of advice and different point of view. I like sleeping next to my hubbie but that's just me. I've noticed there are some people who have happy marriages but prefer separtate beds. Saying things that build up my husband and trying not to allow my mouth get ahead of me had really helped our marriage too.

[bikerbraid]

I agree with the great bits of wisdom that has been shared here. I've been married for almost 32 years and together 35 years. There have been good times and bad, but we have always been there for each other. Here's my list:

• Be a friend to your spouse/so.

• It's OK to have time to "do your own thing".

• Respect each other.

• Know when to keep your mouth shut. Communication is important and timing is everything. Don't criticize infront of others.

• A long term relationship must include trusting each other.

• Have fun!

• Be prepared for the changes that will occur. I am not the 18 year old my husband first met, and he is not the same person I met back in 1971. You have to be flexible and communicate with each other.

[sofia9283]

The one thing I've learned is that just when I think I can't possibly love my DB (dear boyfriend) anymore, he does something so endearing that I can't help but put him on a pedestal. He is a wonderful man and I wish to spend the rest of my life with him!

[willowcandra]

everyones advice is great.
i have been with dh for eight years.
i want to offer this.
stay away from women who crack bad husband jokes or gather together to bitch about them! i was perfectly contenet till i hung round with a lady who always bad mouthed her husband and it riled me up and got me picking on dh too. took ages to stop it. somethings just dont bother me and she would keep on and on about how it would annoy her.

also i agree never bad mouth dh ever to anyone especially when in a bad mood. you could just be hurt and people will assume you are a)unhappy b) being abused. i once had an argument with dh on the way to work and arrived in tears they still think hes beating me!

[Nalia]

I've just got one bit to add..

If you like to do things your own way, if you love your privacy, if you always have to have control, and if you want to make all the choices yourself... don't get married.

[fairygirl69]

everyones advice is great.
i have been with dh for eight years.
i want to offer this.
stay away from women who crack bad husband jokes or gather together to bitch about them! i was perfectly contenet till i hung round with a lady who always bad mouthed her husband and it riled me up and got me picking on dh too. took ages to stop it. somethings just dont bother me and she would keep on and on about how it would annoy her.

also i agree never bad mouth dh ever to anyone especially when in a bad mood. you could just be hurt and people will assume you are a)unhappy b) being abused. i once had an argument with dh on the way to work and arrived in tears they still think hes beating me!
__________________

I have to agree with this. When I first was married I'd crack jokes about my husband just to fit in. Not a good idea. I try to talk mostly good about my dh but sometimes I think that also gets on people nerves. Oh well I can't please everyone.

[shella13]

Originally Posted by willowcandra

everyones advice is great.
i have been with dh for eight years.
i want to offer this.
stay away from women who crack bad husband jokes or gather together to bitch about them! i was perfectly contenet till i hung round with a lady who always bad mouthed her husband and it riled me up and got me picking on dh too. took ages to stop it. somethings just dont bother me and she would keep on and on about how it would annoy her.

I agree with you wholeheartedly on this. My husband is far from perfect, but SO AM I. Heck, we're just people. We are a team and it would hurt my feelings horribly if he was talking about me in a bad way to his friends. If he's got a problem with me he lets me know and I do the same for him (...with a vengence! ). I could sit here and come up with a whole list of things to get me all hot & bothered, but I wouldn't dare-- you don't throw rocks if you live in a glass house. Playing fair is key in any relationship. Also, if you're looking for bad things you'll be sure to find them.

On the other hand, DH & I rib at each other all the time, but it's done in a lighthearted way. We know where we stand with each other which I love because trust is everso important to me, I don't want to waste my life by living a lie.