Is it old enough to have children? I just got married in July. I have been craving (can't think of a better word) a child since before we got married.

I am only 19 though, 20 next month. My mother got married and had her first child at 17 and now has 4. My sister got married at 19 and had her first at 20 and now has 3. I feel like I want to wait, but at the same time I don't want to wait too long. My brother got married at 23 and is now 29 and hasn't had his first child, (in fact it's not even in his mind) but they want to have children in the future. Assuming they won't have any for a while, when their first one is grown they will be 50ish, let only any others they may have. My mom is almost 50 and all 4 children are grown. What are your views on this?

I want to throw in another question... Should children be close together or farther apart? My sister's 3 children are all about 1 1/2 years apart, the oldest being 10 and the youngest 6.

When I do have children I want to have many (many = 5 or 6), I love children and babies and I love having a large family and want my children to have the same.

Here's my theory: If you're old enough to have a period, you're old enough to have children. I also think being married is the ideal (or for those who don't like the institution, being in a stable relationship.) I'm not saying I think 13 year olds are old enough to have children, but if you're married, then the decision is entirely up to you. Here are my factors. (FWIW, I'm 21, and I'll be married in May, and I've wanted children since I was 15. It got worse when my friend got pregnant when we were 18. She's got a darling 2 year old now. :))

1. I want to be married.
2. I want to finish school.
3. I want my future husband to want them. (He does *eventually*, but I don't think he does anytime soon.)
4. I want to be able to afford them, but I honestly feel that *enough* money never happens. You always want more.

I know that I couldn't be a mom and a student at the same time, otherwise I'd try for kids right away. That's what I mean by it's your decision.

I also think you should think about the kinds of sacrifices you're willing to make. When my friend had her baby, she couldn't hang out with us as much anymore, and is only now starting to leave the house without her daughter. God knows, there are many moms not willing to make the right sacrifices for their child, but that doesn't have anything to do with age, and everything to do with maturity. That's what I meant by my previous comment. Thank goodness there seem to be more moms that ARE willing to make sacrifices for their children than those that aren't.

As for your second question, I think once again it's entirely up to you. My brother and I are 7 years apart on purpose, because my parents thought we wouldn't fight then. They were wrong, but that was their reasoning. :) I want my children no less than a year and no more than 4 years apart. I feel that they'll be close that way. But that's just my opinion, based on observations of families I know. Some people want their children farther apart so they don't have kids in diapers at the same time, or other various reasons. It all depends on what you want.

I want lots of kids too... about 5, I think. My fiance wants 2. I hope we'll be able to compromise with 3, or maybe we'll just have one. *shrug* I leave it up to God, though I hope he gives me at least one baby. :) I have a lot of love I want to share! :)

Persephone had some good points there. Kids do best when raised by both parents in the home, so make sure you have a good stable relationship (marriage is what I am suggesting) and then that you are ABLE to mother the child. There are sacrifices involved, and anybody that tells you there isn't.....well, I wouldn't believe them. I was willling and able to make the sacrifices (time, money, emotional) and so it wasn't a problem. But if I'd been 18.....I cannot IMAGINE having a baby at that age. I wasn't grown up myself at that age. We change SO much between the ages of 18 and 21 that it's not even funny, and that's something else to consider. We waited til we were 23 and 25 to have our first, and that's a pretty good age, to my way of thinking.

The boys are 15, 15 and 17, and I am forty now. That means they'll be leaving the nest by the time I'm 45; that's pretty young. All in all, I would vote that "just over 21 or so" is a nice age to begin having babies, as a generalization. Most of us are relatively mature (mentally, emotionally) at that point, and kinda have a handle on "what we want to do with life" by then. I thought I knew a LOT of things at 18. But by the time I was 23, I shuddered to think what kind of life-long implications my 18-year-old mind's decisions would have had. I nearly married the wrong guy at 19. And I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted. Again, I say: we change a LOT between the ages of 18 and 21.

Kids are wonderful, and I'd have a hundred if I could (mentally, emotionally, financially) but I would still wait till after the growin' up was all done with ME, before trying to take on the responsibility of molding another human's psyche and bending their will and teaching them self-control. It's a one-way door, this parenting adventure. Once you're a mom....you're a MOM. No going back. Parenthood is a tough job. One I love, but one that's TOUGH. It's a whole lot easier if I've got my OWN growin' up out of the way.

I would vote to: Enjoy your youth. Enjoy the carefree days of only being responsible for your own actions and enjoy the time alone with hubby. If you start having babies right away, the next 20 years will mean MAKING time for you and hubs to have "date night" and such. The ONLY thing I would change for Dave and I would be to add a few years of "just us" time before the kids. That means that I wish we'd have met and married sooner. I still think 23 is a GREAT time to start having babies.

Best wishes to you, and congrats on your first......7 months of wedded bliss! (we're looking at 19 years in June.....it's been GREAT! Marriage is a WONDERFUl thing when you have a good partner to share the journey.)

Editted to add: My kids are 21 months apart, and that is a nice age-difference. Closer than that is kinda hard work, but....it can be done. My bro and I are 21 mos apart, and we got along.....well, like siblings do: fight like crazy some days, play like angels the next)

I want to be able to afford them, but I honestly feel that *enough* money never happens. You always want more.



This is so true. I have friends who waited until they were financially ready. She had her second (and last) child at 41.

I had my first at 21, and I feel like that was a *little* early. The biggest problem for me was that I was not old enough to say "**** you, this is my kid and I'm going to raise him the way *I* think he should be raised."

It's really important to be able to say that. A lot. :D

With my second, I was 24 and I just went ahead and did it *my* way. I didn't feel like I needed to prove my maturity anymore. We all had a lot more fun that second time.

I agree with LJ though, maybe just after 21 (22, 23?) is perfect. That way you still have the stamina for small children, you're not TOO used to living your own life, and by the time they're gone you're only 40 or so.

We decided to have kids early because I knew I wanted to have a career, not just a job, and I didn't want to be involved in the career and trying to have babies at the same time. So I was able to stay home with the kids while I finished up college, and then DH and I traded, and now he's home with them and finishing school.

Most people in our area go the opposite direction. They get all their degrees and work for 15 years, and then decide to stay home and have kids. I think that would have driven me insane.

I'm rambling now. This was a big question for me when my son was a baby. I really felt inadequate a lot of the time. I'm not sure if that was because I had him too early though, or just the typical new Mom thing.

My kids are 2 years and 9 months apart, and that has really been perfect so far.

The biggest problem for me was that I was not old enough to say "**** you, this is my kid and I'm going to raise him the way *I* think he should be raised."

Heh. I will have NO problem saying that as many times as neccesary. :)

Being "old" enough to have children and being "mature" enough to have children is two completely different things. I had my first at 18 and my second at 34. I'm was a much better mother at 34.

There's no rush. Enjoy this time of togetherness with your husband, because once you have children, everything changes! You're only 19! Think really long and hard about it before you make that commitment. Children are so precious, but your relationship needs time to blossom before you bring another life into the picture. This, of course, is just my humble advice. :oops:

To answer your second question...if I could do it over again I would have had my children closer together. Since mine are 16 years apart, they really have nothing in common.

Beautiful, Miss Kim! (and Lexy! And yes, I can see P saying exactly that!) Going from a pairs-relationship to a threesome is a hard adjustment in and of itself; someone always feels left-out (and it's usually hubby because mom-n-babe have this whole "dance" going on with feeding and such) and it's just DIFFERENT from now on. I would personally guard and be STINGEY with this "couples" time with hubby and just enjoy the HECK out of it and, as Kim said, "allow your relationship to blossom" for another couple years before you hit the baby-train. Laying a good foundation and evolving your marriage and ENJOYING the "just us two" time is a GREAT investment into your future-child's life.

I would say being newly married, wait to nuture your marital relationship. You change so much within the next ten years. You and your spouse should/will be totally different.
I was married for ten years before I had a child at 29. I actually didn't want one until 35 but I decided to have one and we planned it.
Just don't over analyze the year apart thing. I did that, researched it and now it's to late. My child is 9 and I don't want to raise two 'only' children. I say have them close,get it done and out of the way, you'll be so busy that time passes quick and they're out of diapers before you know it. Then they have each other to play/argue with! LOL
I harbour a tad bit of guilt for not 'giving' my child a sibling. He's lonely sometimes and all he has is us. No playmates around and no grandparents and our siblings have no children, so no close cousins either.
Ok , I have to end this, i'm feeling bad about this again.

I harbour a tad bit of guilt for not 'giving' my child a sibling. He's lonely sometimes and all he has is us. No playmates around and no grandparents and our siblings have no children, so no close cousins either.


{{{wtchmel}}}

Don't worry. Us parents with two kids have lots of other things to feel guilty about :D

My husband and I were 18 and 19 when we got married, then a yr later when I was 20 we had our oldest.
Imho everyone is different and what works for one doesn't mean it will work for someone else. You should have children when you decide you want to.
I don't think age has anything to do with good parenting,I also don't think that when one gets older they automatically become better parents( observations of others in rl). I think being a good parent has to do with love and making the choice to be.

I will echo Miss Kim...(BRAVO). babies are a real blessing..but they aren't that much fun if you aren't ready. Another thing is how ready is your hubby? Is he secure in a job? Does he have growing up to do? Is he financially able to care for a family? Spending all day at work..then coming home to a baby that is crying and a wife who wants to get out of the house because she is cooped up all day isn't a guys idea of "living" unless he is ready for it..LOL

Any goals you have and things you want to do...DO them before you have a child. Higher education...traveling..etc. Having a child sucks up all the extra cash that might be laying around.

So much great advice around here! I think these days 19 is too young. But like so many have said above, it all depends on the person. If you had asked me then, I would have said that 19 was too young for me to marry--yet I ended up staying with my boyfriend for the next 10 years.

I have always wanted tons of kids...now I'm 34 and will be having my first at 35. I'll stop at two, because I fear I'm getting too old to have a low-tech birth.

MissKim, I'm so glad to hear from women who are having children in their 30s!

Those are some great questions to think about, jaguar girl,

My husband is not totally ready for kids yet.

Yes he has a very secure job, 8 year contract with the USMC and loving it, in fact it's so secure he won't go overseas until he is deployed as a part of his contract.

Yes he does have alot of growing up to do.

The money isn't much of an issue being in his job he recieve's more money in his monthly pay for each one we have.

Yeah we probably aren't totally ready for kids yet. I talked with him about it a little while ago and we have decided to wait until he is in his fourth year in the Marine Corps. That will make me almost 23 yo and him 24. Which seems about right for me...

Thanks so much for everyone's advice and input, it really helped me to think about the decision more rationally. :flowers:

I'm so glad you had all these great people to talk to. We made our decision on our own. It's always better to discuss it with people who have been there :D

Lexy, I love your new siggy photo!

I met my husband when I was 23, we married a year later when I was 24. I wanted to wait one year before worrying about kids. Just to give us time to bond. We started trying after we were married for 15 months. It was great, one year of "honeymoon." Interestingly, we've been married 7 years now and have only two children, 3 years, 3 months apart. We've lost three babies in all the trying. It was very sad, and I'm glad we didn't have the stress of miscarriage during that precious first year. Consequently I had my first child at 27 and my second at 30. We are planning on having another and will probably try again in a year or so.

I don't think 19 is "too" young. If you are old enough to be married, you're old enough to have kids. However, your marriage is "young." Let it grow for at least awhile. I'm not one of those who says "enjoy life now, cause after you have kids it's over." It isn't "over". Kids are a barrel of fun and your marriage will deepen as the two of you learn to become more gentle and loving people. Having a family is wonderful. Just make sure the foundation of your marriage is firm. If you have any trouble spots, go to a marriage counselor and get 'em fixed. Your babies need a good nest to grow in.

I am glad you guys are close enough to "talk it out". A strong marriage means a well adjusted baby with a good future.
I think most women who are newly married want to "cement" the bond with her hubby by having a baby. We all have been there. Women feels the pangs of being a mother long before men feel the pangs of being a dad.
Some days you might feel resentful for him not wanting a child and wanting to wait...but remember that a man who is ready and hears the call to fatherhood is the most wonderful, beautiful thing. They are better dads and creates a closer bond with you, his wife.


You two have your whole life together...there is no rush..babies can wait. Enjoy one another and keep cementing your love. Your future child will thank you for it

May God Bless both of you

Monique

I am from Ukraine and they get married early there - if you are not married by 23, you are considered - what is a word -a spinster?
Well, I got married at 22 (late by all standards - but I was done with my degree and was working) -to my schoolmate. And we had our girl 1.5 year later.
I want to point out to one important thing - your health. I know that it was extremely easy for me to get pregnant, and it was easy for us to get through all speepless nights and it is relatively easy now to go through the hell of her teenager years (she is 17 now, and I am only 41 and mu hubby is even younger - 39). Two years ago we were discussing having another baby and when I thought about going thgough all this crap when I am 53 - NO WAY!
So I would't postpone having a first baby for too long - but then here - from what I see around me, having a first baby after 30 is a very common thing.
Just my 2 cents

z