Here's the deal. My hubby wants a baby like yesterday. I want to wait as I feel like I'm not quite ready yet. My hubby (30) says a woman is never ready and just to do it. I (28) say I'm not ready emotionally for the life changes that come with it. My question is, who's right? How did/do you know when you're ready to start trying?

Here's the deal. My hubby wants a baby like yesterday. I want to wait as I feel like I'm not quite ready yet. My hubby (30) says a woman is never ready and just to do it.
:shocked: :confused: :bigeyes: :surprise: :disbelief ?!?!?!??

I think a woman is perfectly capable of judging for herself when she is ready. I'm not ready myself and not sure if I ever will be, so I can't tell you from personal experience what that would feel like, but the statement that a woman is never ready doesn't exactly ring true for me looking at other women.
This is an understatement.

Iris

I agree with Iris. When you are ready, you'll just know. You'll see other mothers with their babies, but you'll notice more about how they interact with their children, and you'll start wishing you had a child of your own...okay Hannah, we're not talking about you :oops: *refocuses on naomimcc* :grin: Anyways, when you ar ready, you will know, and it is wise to wait until you are ready because the experience (and it is quite an experience...) will be ever so much more wonderful for you and your husband, and there won't be any "did I do the right thing" or "I wish I hadn't done this" type feelings because it will be something that you both want, not just him.

HTH :flowers: Hannah

I've never had kids and don't mind. But my sister-in-law once said something that I think has some merit to it: if everyone waited until they were absolutely ready, almost no-one would have kids. I think it's true that this falls on a Bell curve: at one end are those who know they're absolutely ready, at hte other are those who know they're absolutely not, and the vast majority lie somewhere in the middle.... Good luck, it's a tough one. And maybe some would see this is a cop-out, but I think there are good couples counsellors out there who might be able to help, since it sounds like you're at (or approaching) an impasse :flowers:

Let's see.... I was ready physically when I started menstruating. Bioligically, I've been ready since I was 15, and my hormones started screaming, "REPRODUCE!!!". I was ready emotionally... um, I don't remember when it happened. I just know that I am now. And I'm ready in other miscellaneous ways now. I have a husband (stability and uh, sperm. :D), and I have done a lot of reading. We've discussed how we want to parent, and we're on the same page for the most part, and I'm ready. He isn't, but hopefully we'll start ttc this year.

On a "child-free" page, I actually found a questionaire that really helped me see that I was ready to become a mother. Let me see if I can find it.

Edit: Here it is! http://www.childfree.net/potpourri_whybaby.html

I agree with the bell-curve comment. The concept of my being "ready" to be a mother never entered my mind, and yet, now that I am a mother, I don't think I would change anything. Yeah, maybe I wasn't ready. I was still in university and young. (Ah, I'm still young. :razz: ) And I was single and naive. But my child is thriving, I am blessed with a wonderful family, and I think that mayhaps there was a plan for me that I didn't know about. So, my position is, maybe some are never ready. Maybe it doesn't matter. There are some out there who would make such horrid parents that they should quietly go sterile. Those who party a lot, drink and/or do drugs, have no stability, and cannot put anyone before their own selves and never will would make bad parents (although they make interesting friends). On the other hand, having children changes your life, but it is so rewarding.

The condensed version: I think that if you wait until you are absolutely "ready" to have kids, the ship may have already sailed. Children are a part of life's journey. If you want to wait to have children until you feel that you've experienced life, either for your own sake or to impart your earned wisdom to your offspring, you may wait forever.

Wow, that doesn't sound like a particularly respectful way for him to be discussing the subject with you. Leaving the "should we have a baby" question entirely behind for a minute, he's not taking *your feelings* very seriously.

Even if he doesn't agree with you, your feelings are just as valid as his -- maybe moreso in this case, considering that the brunt of a phenomenally lifechanging, physically strenuous & emotionally charged experience would be falling where? oh, that's right, on YOU. Not him.

Good luck.

For me, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but sure wasn't "ready" to be one when I got pregnant with my daughter. Bad time in my life, my father had just died suddenly, in what turned out to be an abusive relationship, living in a small apartment, not even making enough money to make ends meet...and there I was, pregnant.
I don't call my daughter an accident, she was a surprise. Having her completely straightened my life out. I then *had* to be ready, I *had* to settle down. It may not have been the *right time* but it was *the time*, it was happening and that's all there was to it.
She's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't know what I would do without her.
All this rambling is my way of trying to say that it may not matter if it happens "at the right time", or when "you are ready", it can still be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Take care,
Lynn

I used to think I was ready for a baby when I was 17 or so, to the point where I'd really long for the moment where I'd be pregnant and give birth. Last year I had a miscarriage, I'd been over 2 months pregnant without even knowing it. It made me realize that I wasn't ready at all.
Now I know I'd love children once, but that I'm not up to it yet - emotionally, financially and regarding responsibility. I didn't seem to get what it's really all about when I was younger.

I have two children ages 2.5 and 10 months. I think through each pregnancy I have had mixed emotions of both excitement and nervousness, but I can honestly say that once the baby is born, I can never ever imagine my life without them! And it is good to remember that you take it one day at a time. You don't have to be ready to parent a 5 year old or a 15 year old right away...just a little newborn. (This applies to having children biologically.) You grow as they grow, so to speak. Ok, not sure I actually answered your question here - LOL! I agree though that you may not ever feel FULLY ready, but you'll feel ready enough, imho. :flower:

Thank you for all the replies....The strange part is I already have a son. He came with my hubby and I've been Mom since he was 2. So in a way I've already done it once...I've just never had to deal with the whole being pregnant/giving birth/baby part of it and that's the part that frightens me. And now that's our son is 10...it's a tough decision...

I personally think that having a baby yourself and going through all of the emotions and sickness and other pregnancy stuff is something that you have to want. It's okay to be afraid, as it is something new, and you are responsible for the life of a helpless, completely dependant life, and it is a huge responsibility not to be taken lightly. However, even though you are scared, you will know whether you truly want one or not. You know yourself better than anyone else. If you feel that you are not ready for your own baby, then you are not ready. Don't let anyone tell you any different, because they don't know you like you do. And if you wait and wait until you are ready and it never happens, then maybe it wasn't meant to be, and that's okay, too. Not everyone is meant to fill that role, and whether you are or not is up to you, and everyone else is just going to have to accept that.

HTH :flowers: Hannah

I didn't know I was yet ready for a baby when I was told I was pregnant. My now husband had only just asked me to marry him!! I had health issues that were still being dealt with. I had/have issues with my mother that made me wonder if I could even be a good mother. I knew I would like to be a mother "someday". But never really considered that someday would get here. But I now have beautiful, healthy baby boy. I still worry, and still wonder, but wouldn't change anything. And you're already a mother from the sounds of things, being pregnant is something most of us are built for. But, don't rush it if you're really not ready. Or if it's something you really don't want to do. I think I'm rambling so I'll leave this for now. Hope I've helped.

Good question! I'm 41 and I'm not ready yet. I wanted children when I was younger, but not so much any more.

I teach so I get my "kid time". It isn't a "need" for me to have kids any more.

I've asked myself this many times. DH never wanted kids, but then said maybe. I wanted kids my whole life, but if being with DH meant not having kids then I was fine with not having them. But then last year we decided to start trying. I freaked out bad! After months of thinking about it and going to a board for childfree people I realized that's it's not a horrible thing to not want a child. I have looked back on my life and noticed little things that should have told me earlier that I didn't really want kids. Sure as a "fencesitter" who recently jumped off, I do get twinges of the "whatifs" but I can think things through and make myself look at the many reasons I can't/won't have a child. DH and I agreed that if we ever want a child we will adopt. Even that scares me too much! :lol:

I agree with Hannah (who seems like a very mature 19 year old!) She is very right. You really have to want to have a child. To be pregnant and watch everything you eat and do. To know that this is your child forever. It's your choice to make. It's your body, your life. That's the wonderful thing about life.

I go through moods.(which have begun since I was 17) Somedays I'll feel like I really really want to become pregnant and give birth and have a baby. Others I'll be like no way, I never want kids, and the rest, I'm just neutral about it.

However, lately, for longer than usual, I've been in a very 'I want a baby now' mode. My best friend, a close cousin of mine and my brother's girlfriend are pregnant. My other brother's wife is trying for a baby. DH's family have been asking us when we're going to start trying, and want us to hurry. Which is not helping me lol.

I'm trying to get myself out of this mood, but I keep watching "A Baby Story" and looking up information online, and thinking about it all the time. I have dreams about about being pregnant. I even know when my fertile days are this month. I usually use this method to avoid getting pregnant.

I may be ready for a baby inside, and in my mind set, but this is the way wrong time to have one. I keep telling myself that when my regular vitamins run out, I will get prenatal vitamins. When those run out I will get a new bottle, schedule a check up at the Doctor's and begin trying. Which will be about 8 months from now. I hope I can wait that long....

While I believe there is never a "perfect" time to have a baby, I do believe that you will know when it's "right enough". I'm 36 and am not ready yet, my hubby is ready or not ready depending on the day you ask so we aren't in a hurry. We have decided that WHENEVER we make that decision will be fine and if the time has slipped me by we will adopt , it's not the egg and the sperm that makes you parents it's the love you give a child. And while we both have agreed on this we have family on all sides asking us when, when, when... You should be comfortable with any decision you make and not be pressured into it...

I tend to agree with the bell-curve theory.

DH and I have been married for 6 years, together as a couple for 11. We are constantly bombared with the 'ole "When are you going to have children?" question. A few months ago, we thought that we were ready... I began taking the prenatals, had my physician switch me to "baby safe" meds and we started TTC. Two months went by and all of the sudden we weren't so sure if we were ready yet.

It was really ironic b/c on the very night that DH and I had a talk about a "waiting" a little while longer, my very best friend called me to let me know that she was pregnant. Talk about bittersweet.

I often find that I get caught up in the whole "if you wait too much longer, you'll run into fertility problems". They say that the magic age is 30 or something... and then your chances start to decrease. This worries me, personally. I don't really feel like I would ever want to go through fertility treatments or IVF; but I also don't feel ready "right now". And who's to say that we wouldn't have problems now, anyway?

Anyway... that's my whole take. Just wanted to share my story with you.

Hugs!

[QUOTE=KristinMH]I've asked myself this many times. DH never wanted kids, but then said maybe. I wanted kids my whole life, but if being with DH meant not having kids then I was fine with not having them.


This is where I am in life now. He's always said "maybe someday." Last year at this time, he asked me if we could start trying when our new business got open. I was floored, and very happy. Now it's a year later, and the business still isn't open (darn city inspectors) and neither of us have talked about it since. I know he's not ready, and I'm working hard to be patient. I learned long ago that I can get anything I want from DH if I'm patient. So, I think I'll be ready when he's ready. I don't have any good advice for you, though. I wish I did, I like to help whenever I can.

I have to agree with Girlndocs. That comment about how a woman is never ready and to just do it shows a striking amount of disrespect for you. If you're not ready, you're not ready. End of discussion. Let him know that if he loves you, he will respect you, and if he can't do that, are you sure he's the one you want a child with?

I often find that I get caught up in the whole "if you wait too much longer, you'll run into fertility problems". They say that the magic age is 30 or something... and then your chances start to decrease. This worries me, personally. I don't really feel like I would ever want to go through fertility treatments or IVF; but I also don't feel ready "right now". And who's to say that we wouldn't have problems now, anyway?

That is so rude
I really hate this idea that everyone should have children and everyone should have then before 30. We’re all different and some might never be ready. No one should take on the responsibility for another person’s life and mental health for the next 18 or so years if they’re not ready. Having a child might be the biggest decision a person will ever make. No one should feel group pressure about the choices they take
It seems like a lot of people goes “Oh well, I’m turning 30 soon. Better create someone to push my wheelchair when I’m old”
There’s more to life than reproducing. Like doing the right thing and taking responsibility for your actions

That´s an interesting question and I wished I had an answer. I don´t believe anymore that there is really a "perfect" moment. I guess, it´s one of the things one just has to jump in, somehow. I used to say that I hate children and can´t stand them- but now I am getting older and I am noticing how cute babies are 8)

I have had 7 babies, and 2 miscarriages. Only the first 3 were actually tried for. The others were surprises. I wouldn't have prevented them for the world.

If I'd have waited til I was ready, I never would have had my last 4 children, and would have missed out on the wonderful blessings they are.

I would never tell anyone to wait, unless there were specific reasons, because I know what you are missing. I want everyone to be as well blessed as my husband and I are.

Please remember not to be too hard on people who expect you to have a baby. 70 years ago, there wasn't much to prevent it, so it was a given that baby would soon follow marriage. Old ideas die hard, and I don't think it is such a bad idea. Yes, pregnancy is difficult, and labor isn't always much fun, but to look into the eyes of your own child has no equal!

Linda

I am 38 with a 1 year old. So you have plenty of time. I had my first dd when I was........(subtracting 5 from 38 and you get......gotta go ask dh......he said 33) And both were little surprises. I didn't think I could even have a baby. After 8 years of marriage I kind of gave up. Then it happened. Needless to say I was floored when I showed positive. In this day it's really never too late. And you'll definately know when you're ready. And if it turns out that you never are thats o.k. too.

I would never tell anyone to wait, unless there were specific reasons, because I know what you are missing. I want everyone to be as well blessed as my husband and I are.

Please remember not to be too hard on people who expect you to have a baby. 70 years ago, there wasn't much to prevent it, so it was a given that baby would soon follow marriage. Old ideas die hard, and I don't think it is such a bad idea. Yes, pregnancy is difficult, and labor isn't always much fun, but to look into the eyes of your own child has no equal!

Linda

I totally agree with you Linda! I've never regretted one of my children! no matter how old you are when you start, mothering is full of surprises!!! It's a learn as you go experience. I have 4 children and are awaiting more. My first child, I was 21, and I was 31 when I had my latest baby. was I more "ready" at 31 than 21? no...a little more experienced, not because of my age, but because I had 10 years of mothering experience...

I often find that I get caught up in the whole "if you wait too much longer, you'll run into fertility problems". They say that the magic age is 30 or something... and then your chances start to decrease. This worries me, personally. I don't really feel like I would ever want to go through fertility treatments or IVF; but I also don't feel ready "right now". And who's to say that we wouldn't have problems now, anyway?

the big problem after 30 isn't the difficulty getting pregnant, it's the sharp in crease in the risk of the baby having down's syndrome or other serious problems. as a person ages, so do her eggs, and they become less healthy. that is why it's so hard to become pregnant, because your body is trying to keep from having an unhealthy baby. so, even with fertility treatments, getting pregnant later in life is a big risk for the baby due to the condition of the eggs.

Please listen to yourself. Your needs, your wants....are you ready?

I have a biased opinion but it is...LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!!! You will in fact be the one who will support that "gut " decision for the rest of your life. NOBODY BUT YOU! Take the urges of your sweetie out of it (we'll get to those sweetie urges later). Can you support this child? Will you be happy puting the rest of your life on hold for a few years for this child? I urge U greatly...do not "count" on anybody else to do this".

This is not about what your friends want, this is not about what your lover wants, this is not about any mathematical trick that you can think of. This is for life (yours)......sorry, but marriage be buggered....KIDS!!! that is the only thing that is real, the only thing that keeps our heads out of the....um, clouds...

Now for the "what I know about it" part. I "bypassed one" at 18, had one at 21...lived on beyond that and have another one. My only regret would be that (other than being stupid for my WHOLE life) I did not listen to my "self" or my heart. Or maybe I did but in a sad sort of way...(and it does not last). You will be the sole parent of what ever offspring you have...statistics are in sad favor, though I would greatly love the company of one feisty, new holy man in my life who will try to tell me otherwise. :ponder:

In other words....If you have any hesitation or doubt....it is not a lacking on your part...but a thought that commands my high esteem. And I LOVE you for it, but though if you should find yourself in a need of a loving hand to care for your dear sweet one after the fact... I provide child care....:flowers:

Oh, and then can I tell you about one of my best friends...for life? She was in a dither, never wanted kids....though she was "ALL THAT"...she was flat hot. Anyhooo, she never wanted kids, never could identify with mine in any way....then, she had one of her own...

She turned into one of the most dedicated, REAL mama's I have ever known.
I still call her up every now and again to figure out what I'm doing.

That is life. She was 40-somethin' (6 yeats ago, I'll never tell). She's in the crayons and whatnots every much as I am to this day.

Ladies, it's all about what "you want" these days. Please take advantage of it.

I'm ready, but not ready too. I'm unwilling to get PG before my DH really wants a kid though. He said he wants to travel first but that could take years :( I don't have that kinda time frankly. We've already discussed names etc.

What are we supposed to do when we want one REALLY bad but DH says "no".

Can you support this child? Will you be happy puting the rest of your life on hold for a few years for this child?


Yes to the first part (we already have one...see second post on page one of this thread...) so that is not a problem. More yes than no on the second part.

I just don't know if I'm ready to go through all the body changes that go with it (not to sound selfish but I like my flat-ish belly and hip hugger low rise pants...) as well as the whole birth process too. It's terrifying and it's a HUGE life change.

I just don't know if I'm ready to go through all the body changes that go with it (not to sound selfish but I like my flat-ish belly and hip hugger low rise pants...) as well as the whole birth process too. It's terrifying and it's a HUGE life change.
I hear you there! At almost 31 there is no way I would have another one. I've had 2 and the last one really made...well things that were once perky, well less than :rolleyes:

my dh wanted children from the off but i wanted to wait. i needed stability etc. i thought i would wait untill we had plenty of money ready but i knew that that would never happen.
i just knew that i was ready. parenting is a real spiritual thing for me. i just knew i was ready and went for it. it took us two years and of course i had moments of doubt but they came and went. she is two years and a couple of months now and we are trying for another. simply because that urge is there again and the time feels right.

don't have one if you don't feel ready. being pregnant puts a real hefty strain on even the strongest of relationships and being a mum to a child from birth is a most unbelievable experience and you will sometimes feel like a little bit of you is gone (ie your independence) if you are not ready to let that go then you are not ready to be a mother.

good luck with your choice

I just don't know if I'm ready to go through all the body changes that go with it (not to sound selfish but I like my flat-ish belly and hip hugger low rise pants...) as well as the whole birth process too. It's terrifying and it's a HUGE life change.

When I read these words, my mind flashed back to something I wrote to a dear friend when I was six months pregnant. Maybe you can appreciate it:

I am, at turns, thrilled, terrified, ugly, beautiful, anxious, etc. I'm exhausted and tired of having become "public property" for horrifying birth stories. I'm liable to kill the next complete stranger who tries to rub my belly. I love having a mother meet my eyes when I'm out shopping, see her smile and cradle her flat belly, and know she's remembering her own experience(s). I hate the snickers I get from girls my age as I waddle past ("She's enormous!") that make me feel suddenly unattractive. Come to think of it, I don't like waddling at all, either. I take pleasure in seeing my stomach swell as my body nourishes Aravine, yet I frantically apply cream morning and night to try and prevent stretch marks.

I feel sometimes like I'm just "the belly", and that people forget I'm under here. I'm scared of labor and delivery. I think he [my partner] is, too, although he's never said a word about it.

I can literally feel myself making the transformation from maiden to mother. It's so spritually profound that at times I feel completely unworthy of the gift. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. Words can not even come close to describing it, but I am positive that you will feel it too when your time comes. Not everyone does, I've found. I mentioned it in my childbirth class and the other women looked at me like I was insane. My inner goddess wanted to weep.

I worry sometimes that I won't be a good mother, and then realize that the most important thing is that I show her how much I love her. And I do, so much. I never thought it possible to love someone so deeply. And that alone makes up for all the rest. I can't wait to meet my daughter and watch her discover herself.

I feel like I'm a part of a huge miracle that's taking place.

Before my pregnancy, I was terribly vain and had a 24 inch waist (in fact, I once said I'd never have kids because I didn't want to get fat!). It's not so small anymore. :) But I feel even more beautiful now. My body created the most perfect thing I've ever seen. You can't help but view your body differently after that.

My pregnancy was a surprise. I was not "ready" in the traditional sense, but I had 9 months to become so. I would not trade my daughter for anything. :inlove:

One thing I've found- no matter what, you'll still have moments of panic. When my OB said, "It's time to push," I freaked. "What? Already?!? I'm NOT READY!" :lol:

Whatever you decide, you'll be better for looking at all your options. Good luck!

~kytheria
(who still wears hiphuggers, albeit in a larger size :grin: )

I've always wanted to be a mother.... But as much as I want it, I want to do it right - of course, I know it's one of those things that cannot be done perfectly. I've spent most of my life trying to build myself into a decent parent, but I know at some point it's just going to be a leap.

Obviously, everything said is just each person's personal experience or opnion, BUT this is what I ALWAYS say.

I have 3 wonderful beautiful children The first was born when I was 23. I was not really ready yet. (accident) If you are ready to give up movies out, dinner out, and generally going to friends houses who don't have children, then that is a good start. Also, it helps if you think you are ready to pick someone else's nose. :)

Children are an amazing gift. You should be ready to appreciate having them rather than resent their intrusion into your life. I pretty much gave up "my" life when I became a parent. I live for my children. Almost everything I do is related to them in some way. What I choose to eat, what I wear, where I shop, when I shop, what I buy, what I cook, how I cook. I am a stay-at-home-mom. I love being with my kids. I think being ready can make a huge difference. I spent about 3 years frustrated with my first-born. It wasn't his fault, but I had a hard time adjusting. I had the next two a little later, one right at 30 and the other at 31 (too close together), and I was more than ready then. I have so much joy in my role as a mother.

Babble, babble, soapbox. Sorry. Don't let your husband pressure you too much. You are the one who will be the primary caregiver. This is just the way it works. It will not be a pleasent experience if you are going into it when you aren't ready.

I am so ready-My biological clock is booming and chiming and going bezerk! I am so ready! DH is ready too! We've been ready and trying for a couple of years now. We are so ready that we were going to start infertility testing and treatments, then we got stationed in Japan. That changed our plans.....
I still want a child sooo, bad just writing this makes me ache so bad for one. But we are going to wait untill we are back in the US before going further.

Here's the deal. My hubby wants a baby like yesterday. I want to wait as I feel like I'm not quite ready yet. My hubby (30) says a woman is never ready and just to do it. I (28) say I'm not ready emotionally for the life changes that come with it. My question is, who's right? How did/do you know when you're ready to start trying?

Don't do it if you are not ready. There are people who have had children when they were not quite ready yet, and it turned out fine, but this is a gamble that you don't wanna take. If you have a baby and then realize that this is not what you wanted you can't just stuff it back.

The big question is: do you feel like you are not ready yet, do you feel like you are never going to be ready, or do you feel like you are not sure? In any case you need to discuss this with your husband. Don't let him push you into anything you don't really want to do, but also don't let him believe it's a question of time if it is really not.

I have known since about the age of 14 that this I something I will never be ready for. Everybody kept laughing and telling me "just you wait a few years, of course you'll be ready", but now I am 33 and am still of the opinion that I will never be ready.

Miuku

Whew! Sorry I had to take a moment...And then give the dog a shampoo. I am NOT going into details on that method here-if you really must know feel free to PM me.

Anyway. I also wanted to add that unless BOTH of you are ready, then it's not a good time to start a family. DH and I promised eachother that we would wait until we were BOTH ready for a child. We both felt that if BOTH of us weren't ready then it wouldn't be fair to more or less force the other person to become a parent. It wasn't fair to us or the child that would be on the way.

It was hard to keep that mindset at times. Really hard for both of us. There were many nights where we said the heck with the consequences, and we were lucky that nothing happened.

There are a few way to family plan and we have been through four phases...

#1: No way, No how: We are NOT having kids! (Prevention is key)
#2: To heck with prevention what hapens happens: AKA God has a plan and God knows what is best for us (this means that you are not set against having kids but you are not putting forth a ton of effort to conceive)
#3: Trying diligently: we wanted a child and were attempting to use the calander method in our favor
#4: THE NEXT LEVEL: any sort of outside help in trying to conceive...(this is where we were planning to go when we got called to Japan)

IMO If you are doing any of 2-4 than you had better be ready to be a parent, because it's pretty likely that you will.

Hi Niomimcc,

We knew we were ready when we felt comfortable with our finances and living situation. We also we were ready when we kept imagining our life with a child/baby and kept thinking how much more fun it could be to share our life with him or her. Also our current lifestyle is such that if we were to have a kid we could still enjoy many of the things we already do.

Currently I am 22 weeks pregnant and even though we are so excited and sure about it, I still have days where I feel scared, worried, or even slightly beside myself. This is likely due to all the emotional/hormonal changes that my body is going through. I can only imagine the feelings that someone who is not ready will feel. So if you are not ready to make that step, don't do it. You will know when it's time.